This is my previous story
I have climbed from the depths of sexual abuse as a child, from the hate and pain of rape and mental illness that tore me apart and left me feeling angry, bitter, unworthy, unseen, unheard, unvalued, unhealed and unlovable.
I continued to have trials and tribulations. Choices I had to make that broke my spirit and my heart. Failures both business and personal and the complete and utter shame of having to make to the choice to not be the mother I wanted, when I had to leave the abusive marriage I was in.
Those choices sent me down my first road of personal and spiritual growth.
The Backstory that no longer defines me
I spent the next 10 years learning and growing in my spirituality, discovery of my inner self and my inner hero. The hero my Granny always knew that I am. My Joy began when I was able to embrace my maternal love with my children and then the incredible gift of adult love in the unexpected form of another woman, with whom I have spent 20 beautiful years.
My challenges did not end rather they took a more physical side as my body began to break down from Pelvic inflammatory disease, Endometriosis, and Uterine fibroids that led to a complete hysterotomy and bladder sling only to have prolapse, rectocele and anther bladder sling 10 years later. I had the first death of my body during that recovery when I went into anaphylaxis and coded in front of one of my daughters.
My next challenge came at the age of 45 when I was diagnosed with diabetes. The BIG one came on a beautiful summer afternoon in 2013.
I ruptured my pelvis, separated my sacroiliac joints and tore my pudendal nerve that left me unable to walk without assistance and changed my whole life.
The first month the medication for my excruciating pain had the side effect of suicidal tendency. I contemplated, researched and planned my demise. I knew the day, time and the how and as I finished my letter to my wife she walked in early from work to see how I was. I know she was sent home to save me and I reached out and told her my plan. I spent the next two weeks on suicide watch while I was weaned off the medication with my family and friends gathered around me. This was the very first time I asked for and accepted HELP. I had always relied on me and no one else. I thought asking for HELP meant I was weak and incapable.
Due to a severe allergy I had 2 more deaths from the opioids and I was forced off all pain medications. I had to make the choice to stop working and admit to my complete handicap of my body. I have chronic pain that I deal with everyday. I have good days and bad. I choose Love, I choose Joy, and I choose Grace.
I fell, just a simple fall.
I Chose LOVE - I Choose JOY - I Choose GRACE
Thus began my slow climb up after multiple surgeries to put my body back together and keep my spine from collapsing. I
started my up hill climb working my way back from wheelchair, to scooter, to walker, to cane to my goal of releasing all assistive devises by the end of 2022.
The rear-view mirror...
The challenges of the global pandemic left many of us feeling lost, alone, and desperate. My 2020 too was filled with inner family strife and misunderstandings and in September I was given the diagnosis of esophageal cancer. This was a gift as it forced me to once again evaluate and make a choice as during my treatment from chemo and radiation prior to the esophagectomy I died for my fourth time from starvation and dehydration.
I am not ready to leave this lifetime. I get the message loud and clear. I am here for a purpose. My message is important for the world.
I have finally discovered my true authentic, loveable, valuable and worthy self. I forgive myself for my past mistakes. I speak my shame, I release my guilt and I remove all DOUBT - I DO ME!.
I found the true nature of my WHY. My WHY is to live - Really LIVE life as the adventure it truly is. Life is precious and a gift - the present of the present.
LOVE is All and All is LOVE; JOY can be found in any situation; GRACE is the combination of Faith and Gratitude and is the Soulution.